You seemed to enjoy your first Christmas. You kind of got the whole 'open your present' thing, but mostly you were only invested for a minute or two in any one gift. You had little expectation for what Christmas was supposed to be and it was nice to see you so happy. But your amazingly happy most of the time. People comment on it, randomly in the grocery store, family get-togethers and what not. It has only been in the last couple of weeks that I have noticed you crying more when something has been taken away that you were using or interested in.
You cry now when you want something or when something happens that surprises or startles you. This is all fine and well, and totally natural. It is also a little sad. The little creature that seemed perfectly happy just being alive, may be transforming into the little human that we are ALL more familiar with.
A great man, or at least a very good man that I know once told me, "All of life's pain comes from expectation."
He was telling me this as he easily brought me to my knees in some friendly sparring. Though he was using this to demonstrate the ineffectiveness of trying to predict or anticipate an attackers intention, he also brought this notion up when discussing life's more mental and emotional pains. I have found this to be one of the most profound truths in my life. Another profound truth, that seems to run perpendicular to our societies ideas of happiness.
As far as the holiday season is concerned it abounds with expectations. We expect to get some gifts, we are expected to give some. We expect people to smile (even if faked) and tell us how much they like our present. They expect to hear from us how much we loved they're present. We expect to get a 5X7 glossy photo of friends and relatives who otherwise are mute for the year, and they kinda expect us to hang they're likenesses on our refrigerator. We expect the car next to us to LET US IN! We expect there to be ham. There should be wrapping, lights, trees, chocolates and record spending. This is the ultimate time of expectations, ironically at a time when we claim to celebrate the opposite quality. Giving without any expectation is the declared goal, but few of us attain that goal, in fact few of us bother pursuing it. The fact is son, the more I find myself living without expectations from other people, or even myself....the happier I am.
As we come upon your birthday, a son was born on the coldest day of the year January 13th. I will intend to father you with no expectations. I expect I will fail at times with this. Maybe though if I just intend it, with no expectation of failure, I'll be more successful. We'll see I guess. Love you, Pa.
